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21 Guiding Principles for Parents
Dr. Pamela Varady
- Emotional intelligence is the number one predictor
of a successful life. It’s what we need to model and teach
our children, and ideally what they will learn from us. Aristotle
said, “ Anyone can get angry, but to the right person, at
the right time, for the right purpose, to the right degree- that’s
difficult.” And that’s emotional intelligence. Emotionally
intelligent people have high self-esteem and good character.
- View discipline as an opportunity to teach
emotional intelligence and coping skills, including: empathy;
conflict resolution; delayed gratification; and responsibility
for choices. With this view of discipline in mind, you get to
say goodbye to the unappealing jobs parents often unwittingly
assume- cop, judge, and jury, and hello to the pleasurable and
rewarding job of our children’s emotional coach.
- All of us, including children have needs:
to belong; to be loved; to have impact; and to have power. If
you give children what they need, (which is not the same as what
they want) they will want your guidance and you will need to discipline
them less often.
- Catch them doing well. Encourage successive
approximations of appropriate behavior. Also, catch them being
kind to each other, and encourage them for moving in the direction
of sibling harmony.
- Having empathy for our children, narrating,
and reflecting their feelings, must coexist with rules, limits
and consequences.
- The qualities we love the most in our children
(and spouses) are the same ones that will drive us mad at times.
Think about temperamental differences; reframe negative labels,
and do not punish a child for his temperament!
- If our children misbehave, and they will,
step out of the power struggle, follow through with consequences
and calmly let them know that they will have a chance next time
to make a better decision for themselves. By the way, they get
to not like this!
- Gratitude, like coping skills and emotional
intelligence, needs to be taught.
- Parents are the leaders of the household-our
children don’t need two more friends!
- Breathe
- Take breaks-lots of breaks
- Take another break (I read somewhere that a
favorite four letter word
for mothers is EXIT.)
- Have a sense of humor, sing, dance, tell stories,
and be goofier than the kids are.
- Parents need to agree on the family rules,
and plan age appropriate consequences for breaking the rules.
- Have family meetings to work through ongoing
conflicts and to increase the sense of belonging. You can begin
this at the tender age of two!
- We owe it to our children to be reasonably
happy. Children make meaning about themselves based on our behavior.
So if you are miserable they will tell themselves that they are
not lovable enough to make you happy.
- Have a rich, fun adult life- so our children
will want to grow up to be adults!
- Enjoy one on one time with each child and
all other possible combinations of family groupings.
- Let your child be unhappy, frustrated, jealous,
and bored for more than one and a half seconds!
- Read Siblings Without Rivalry and keep it
by your night table-you’ll need it.
- We won’t be perfect parents, our kids
won’t be perfect either, but they’ll grow up to have
perfectly fine lives.
Dr. Varady can be reached for classes, workshops,
and phone consultations at: (310) 899-6048
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