RAISING SIBLINGS:
AN OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Dr. Pamela Varady
Apart from not having
as many arms as an octopus, one of the most challenging aspects
of parenting, is helping our children manage their seemingly never
ending conflicts. “He spilled my juice”, “That’s
my truck”, “He said a bad word to me”, “
That was my cookie”, “ No my cookie”. And on and
on it goes.
Help! Where’s my Zoloft?!?!
Although this can be wildly draining, if not maddening,
these sibling conflicts offer us an opportunity as parents (actually
countless opportunities) to teach a most important life skill. A
skill that makes or breaks every adult relationship we have- work,
familial, and intimate relations alike. The skill is conflict resolution
and it shapes how well we negotiate in relationships when our needs
are not being met.
It’s easy to be happy when our needs are being met. For example,
everything is fine when your husband wants to see a plot driven
film the same day you do. But, what happens when he wants to see
the latest Jackie Chan action flick and your hearts set on that
new French film. How well a couple (or any dyad) negotiates when
someone’s needs aren’t being met, is indicative of the
strength of the relationship and the emotional intelligence of the
individuals.
Emotional Intelligence is inextricable from high
self- esteem and good character. It
is the ability to understand ones’ feelings and those of others,
to self soothe, to have a high degree of empathy, and to resolve
conflict well.
I like to think of discipline as an opportunity
to teach my children these coping skills so they can become confident,
emotionally intelligent people, and in doing so, my role as disciplinarian
is reframed to that of my children’s emotional coach.
One reward for taking on the job of emotional
coach is that you get to say adios to the less appealing jobs parents
often unwittingly assume- cop, judge, and jury. As emotional coach
you wouldn’t be concerned with who started it? Our whose cookie
is whose? Was it an accident or on purpose? You would not run out
and buy two of the same exact toys to avoid conflict. Nor would
you give a time-out for every angry outburst. So what would you
be doing instead when your kids misbehave?
You would be thinking about your purpose as a
parent: to help your kids feel good about themselves and do well
in relationships. You would be appreciating your unique opportunity
to shape your children’s emotional life through teaching coping
skills. Conflict resolution is one coping skill and it includes
many elements: negotiation, empathy, communication skills and creative
thinking.
Here are some of the steps you can use to teach
conflict resolution with your twins:
1. Promote labeling feelings
2. Encourage empathy
3. Show better ways to express difficult feelings
4. State the conflict
5. Invite a resolution
6. Show confidence in their ability to resolve conflict.
Just this morning, I had a “teaching opportunity”
with my four year olds, Max and Dylan. While in the kitchen fixing
my 10,684th peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I heard bloodcurdling
screams coming from my kids’ room. After sneaking in one bite
of their sandwich, I flew into their room and found two enraged
animals—I mean little boys, in the heat of things. After ascertaining
that no one was physically hurt, I stepped into the role of emotional
coach.
First, I encouraged Max to notice how “
he is really burning inside”, and then, say he is very angry
and didn’t like that his brother took his only baseball card.
(show better ways to express anger.) Now, telling him to say he
is angry might seem too obvious a statement, but when a child is
able to name something, especially his own difficult feelings, it
gives him a sense of control over himself and his world. (Anyway,
this is a most welcomed change from hitting his brother in the head
with a bat!)
All the while, I have them facing each other.
This way they are more likely to read each other correctly and feel
understood. (One of the problems with bullies at school is they
misread the facial expressions and intentions of others.) I said
to Dylan, “ Look at his face… How do you think he feels?…
What can you do or say when you want the card?” (show better
ways to express himself when his needs aren’t being met.)
Now, Dylan’s facial expressions are saying
something quite different in reaction to Max’s appropriate
verbal expression of anger. And, with a little coaching Dylan replied,
“ I’m sorry I took it, but I really, really, really,
want it too!” Then I said, “Hum, we have two boys and
only one baseball card (state the conflict), what can you do (invite
a resolution)?” “This is a hard one, but mommy knows
you two are smart enough to figure it out (show confidence in their
ability to figure it out)”.
I had to stay with them initially and encourage
them to take turns with creative solutions to their dilemma until
at last they agreed on a solution. Some children enjoy this creative
challenge as much as the original activity! My kids decided to play
toy store. Max transformed into store- owner and Dylan, customer,
and the baseball card was one of many items they both had the chance
to handle. (In minutes, I returned to the kitchen with my loyal
snack. Yeah, for mommy!)
It’s not always easy, but by following these
steps you can help your children weather their emotional storms.
Resolving conflicts in this way helps increase their emotional intelligence,
and allows you an occasional glimpse of peace and quiet . |